(Owl images from Johns Hopkins University via BBC)
A stretching exercise you can do while walking and looking. Excerwalking. You’re turning your noggin a little bit to the left and right, every step. You can go 90 degrees each way right? Use headswiveling to snap-survey your surroundings, find paths ahead, and note potential stumbling blockage. Cheat a little with your back and see how close you can get to 180. Owls can do about 270.
When you’re stopped for a moment is also a great time to take your neck for a mini-spin. The wise owl, the 3-point baller, the giant robot, all turn their heads to get a better look; that’s advanced walking technique #6. Look all ways while crossing a broad way. You might avoid getting clipped by a scooter.
Ideally our roads are never rocky, but to be unprepared for life’s gravel and pebbles due to making poor footwear choices is indefensible. Just in case you’re the type to bring a flip-flop to a boot fight, read on.
Standing in a long line (such as to vote), going on a march, preparing for a wildfire or earthquake-related evacuation, running for what you think could be your life after several manhole covers erupt sending flames over the street— these are a few situations where you want to be wearing solid shoes. Did you hear about the Global Citizen music fest in Central Park a couple years ago— where thousands of revelers ran every which way after a falling fence was thought to be a gunshot? We’ve been seeing what people have been wearing at some of these protests. In 2020, whenever you leave home you should think about roadblocks and emergency situations where your shoe game should be much stronger than it looks from our stoop.
When going to a conference, activist march, or something geo-political in nature where there could be crowds and unfamiliar territory, you should choose footwear carefully. Even if you don’t expect hostile environments— parades, nature hikes, music fests (we really miss those), plain old long days can turn into nightmares if you’re walking around in pathetic shoes. At minimum you’re risking daily comfort which can slow drip into a bad mood. You’ll be one of those I-need-to-go-back-to-the-hotel whiners on vacay. At maximum you’re failing to plan in case of emergency — sacrificing the mission whatever yours may be. No one writes “walk through kilometers of wet grass and gravel” on their daily planner.
BOOTS UP, SANDALS DOWN
Keep sandals, flip-flops, slides — things that expose a majority of your feet — as house shoes. If you’re going to a march, conference or show and may be bus/train-traveling to another city or town— don’t be the sap wearing the aforementioned shower shoes. By now, every workplace (sadly) has active-shooter instructions which explicitly have “fight back” as a final option. If you can’t stomp a mudhole in somebody’s ass with them, you are an ass for wearing them! I once had a good footwear discussion with a woman who just got off the subway after witnessing a sociopathic bullying incident. We agreed there’s no sense in walking around ANY city street or stepping onto public transportation with something like flip-flops. Violence is bad yes, but you need to be ready at all times to run for your life if violence occurs or kick a criminal in the crotch if you’re an unwitting first responder. Flip-flops say ‘mess with me’, boots say ‘don’t‘.
TIE SHOE CLUB
Keep your shoes tied when you’re on the move or you risk getting sicker, easier, quicker— entirely possibly—it’s important that they don’t touch the ground while walking. Through trace amounts of animal feces and bird dung on the ground “in the world” the diarrhea causing bacteria C. difficile “C-Diff” can travel from the bottoms of our shoes into the human body. It’s a safeguard against joining the feeling-sick club. If you must do the effortless swag thing— make sure the laces don’t touch the ground— especially walking around densely populated areas. There are plenty of stylish ways to lace your shoes. You can even buy a pair of shorter length laces than what came stock on your kicks. If the ship hits the fan and you have to run and your shoe falls off — you are a loser in the true sense of the word.
FLATS ARE NOT SHOES
Unless you’re doing ballet or sauntering indoors — duck those flats. They offer little-to-no support or shielding. Even the name is weak. “Flats”. That they’re an alternative to heels does not mean they’re good for rocky roads or sketchy streets. There are plenty of what your mother would call feminine shoes that are suitable for work and formal situations despite what weakling fashion sites tell you. Get some footwear with laces and an anatomical footbed to support your dual anacondas. When I see women trucking the streets of Manhattan in what are essentially slippers, I can almost hear her pinky toes crying out. There can be contractual stipulations on what type of footwear is acceptable for women in the workplace, but in 2020 we bet you can find a happy medium. Tell your boss Popdiatry gave you permission to wear shoes with laces or another suitable enclosure system. Nothing says “I fought the power, and the power won” like wearing flats in a revolutionary atmosphere. You’re not a cheap plastic doll. Get some real shoes.
WEAR SOCKS
Socks absorb moisture from your sweaty-ass feet, aid your footwears’ lifespan, and offer a courtesy layer if you’re asked to remove your shoes at a friend’s place. Darn Tough hikers, Wrightsock runners, bodega cheapos, “no-shows”, tube socks- get some freaking socks sis/bro or you don’t belong in this disco. In times of chill barefoot is great for sand and grass, but out of respect and common sense, if you’re going to be trooping to unknown territory — see what’s out there and invest in stockings. The friend referenced in the first sentence might be savvy enough to choose friends wiser and sockless birdbrains might never get a chance to make a first impression.
Never let high-fashion or fashion-while-high rapid fire so-called fashion sneakers into your subconscious and get you down! Think hard about some of the best people in your life—could be family, friend, workmate. Maybe they wore some sneakers. What kind? Can’t remember. Because it didn’t matter. Because you weren’t some judgy paint-by-numbers fop following what some affiliate-ad pumpers conjured into cool. Fashion companies that have no business doing shoes will drop a zany, impractical trainer with a $1200 tag just to stick in their 5th ave front window. How about some regular sneakers? Like the Katt Williams regular weed bit. Like some damn sneakers that are under $70 and are made by a bonafide shoe company whose sole purpose is to create footwear and not trick you into thinking the pack is extra special because they injected steroids into the price.
Regular sneakers you can jump around in, crease, spill salsa on, mosh in a pit, scrape it against the office chair leg or scuff up on the bike pedal. Something that fits great will feel great, and you should enjoy damaging them. Dirt on the soles, scuffs on the heel. Pre-dirtied could never. Are you afraid to get your fancy sneakers dirty on the grass? Pussy. Your reg sneaks could always be a general release version of your favorite rare pair. They can be whatever. The more low-key, the more they can fit into social situations and you’re not looking like you’re trying to pose for an album cover when all you create are dirty dishes.
Most of the time no one cares about what’s on our stupid feet as long as you don’t step on theirs. You should flex appropriate for the situation. Sure, but most shoe people underestimate people’s eyesight anyhow. A jerk in Jordans probably has less real friends than a saint in Skechers. Unless you are in the trenches of competitive fashion warfare tiptoeing over tripwires of self esteem, forget over-reading and scrolling through endless kicks—getting emotional about the different Nikedidas model numbers, standing in line for some synthetic sneakers that are a different “colorway” of what Tom, Dick & Harry already got <alarm sound> put away your phone and get some regular sneakers.
Puma Tazons. $60. Great regular sneakers. Comfortable, lasted pretty good. No stress.No affiliation.
Elite walkers are in tune with those around them and know when it’s best to let parties go by. Full stop. Sometimes it makes sense to do a freeze and keep another walker’s lane open. The smoothest full-stoppers continue unbothered, losing only measly seconds for the good of crowd fluidity. When approaching points where we’ll have to stop anyway (street crossings, elevator banks, stair entrances), try decelerating while avoiding impeding anybody. Is someone very young or very old or differently-abled crossing? We can use full-stops to take a breath, look ahead (the next intersection/next road/next floor) and set good examples at crowded multidirectional intersections.
We’ve all done this one. Structure-hugging is when you walk close to a building or something to avoid getting more wet from a storm. The technique is certainly a wildcard dependent on wind-direction and variety of precipitation. We just had a wet nor’easter in the northeast Friday, and I did a little structure-hugging myself. I didn’t want to carry an umbrella- it was a short walk to the subway so..
This technique comes with its own challenges. Structure-hugging walkers must be mindful of opening doors from said structures, and some buildings are going to drip even more than what the sky is giving- defeating the whole mission. Advanced walkers can usually spot another guinea pig trying it ahead and gauge efficacy accordingly.
Side-gliding is when you turn your torso sideways to avoid bumping others. It’s very useful on walkways with limited width and anywhere there’s a crowd. I often side-glide through grocery store isles, and the technique is virtually necessary when walking on a crowded subway car or platform.
A great cinematic example of this action is demonstrated in the film Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins, or (for younger readers) The Matrix– where the hero employs a side-glide technique in order to dodge bullets (though we do not recommend extending your arms like Neo).
Dodging other walkers is certainly easier than dodging bullets, and we suspect many of you have been side-gliding through throngs for years. Mastery of the technique is not only a polite exercise of human mobility- but at most can reduce chances of becoming involved in a street fight.
Periscoping is when you stick your head into the street just enough to eye a glimpse of traffic. Runners often do this instinctively at cross streets, but the technique is useful for any walker in a rush who enjoys not being hit by a car.
If there’s a big truck/van/something blocking clear view of the trafficway, simply channel the comic hero Plastic Man and kind of stretch your neck to eyeball a snap-survey and the rest of your body can continue or stop accordingly. Even if motor vehicles are at a standstill, cyclists and skaters may still be zooming. Mastery of this peek-around technique can save valuable seconds during a city walk all while exercising key neck muscles.
Fast-laning is when you rush along on the very outer part of the sidewalk or walkway. Outside of the parking meters, outside the planters, the bike-racks, hydrants, mailboxes, scaffolding- likely treating the curb like a balance beam, eyes peeled for animal droppings and automobiles. Even the best planners occasionally find themselves in a rush and if the powerwalk trajectory is congested by stuck-together saunterers and other slow pokery— fastlaning, even if just to pass some crowded clumps, is something we’ve all done.
Fast-laning : Advanced Walking Technique number one
Fashioned on the crisscrossed jaywalker-friendly streets of Boston Massachusetts, and refined on the overcrowded walkways and platforms of New York City, I bring to you a new feature:
Advanced Walking Techniques
These techniques will assist with proficient movement among earthlings on a variety of terrains using your two feet and one brain.
A few fundamentals to keep in mind while walking
Try to never be in a rush. Rushing increases chances of falling, bumping and other bumbling moves that advanced walkers avoid.
Don’t wear sandals, flip-flops or other open-toed footwear when walking city streets. Closed, secure footwear offers superior support and protection from pebbles, germs and other comfort invaders including the dreaded “flat tire” if someone (a walking amateur) mistakenly steps on the back of your foot.
“Pull-over” when checking your phone. If it’s important enough to check (a text, a map), it deserves full attention. People walking behind you will appreciate it, and you’ll decrease chances of a walking accident.
Keep your eyes on the road. Remember to glance down every so often as walkways can often feature animal excrement, gum and other day-ruiners.
The Green Festival Expo calls itself America’s largest and longest-running sustainability and green living event. I took a walk around the 2016 New York City Green Festival Expo to see what they had.
It seemed like 75% of the exhibitors fit snugly in what most would categorize as GREEN. The rest was rather “anything goes”. Enthusiastic Green Expo greeters threw around green plastic frisbees by the entrance of Javits Center North and cheerfully guided guests to the green table-clothed rows of exhibitors. I paid the reasonable entrance fee of fifteen greenbacks and commenced the stroll.
Who’s the greenest of them all
All in all, it was a fun event. The folks working the booths I visited were kind and helpful. The overall vibe was earthy, crunchy and friendly, but I had to get a little grouchy towards some of what I saw, so read on with good humor.
SOCKS THAT GIVE, TREAT, FEED & TEACH
Cause marketing is here to stay. That is- products where a portion of the proceeds go to a charitable cause. Conscious Step socks are made in India from fairtrade certified organic cotton in an ethical, worker-friendly environment and come in four main styles, each with an embroidered graphic representing the cause their sale goes toward.
Water socks = Water.org
Book socks = BornToRead.com
Red ribbon = UNAIDS.org
Food socks = ActionAgainstHunger.org
Tree socks (Limited Edition) = treesforthefuture.org
The stockings are well-designed, quality to-the-touch, and the packaging makes them ever so giftable. What kind of monster doesn’t want to conquer starvation, AIDS, pollution, and illiteracy?
If it were that easy…
With Conscious Step, or any other cause-marketer, the empathetic among us must rely on the benevolence of the entity when it comes time for charity to be delivered. The grouch in me wonders if you make a $50,000 donation to a charity and don’t tell anyone, wouldn’t you be helping more than a company that donates a smaller amount to the same charity then makes the act part of their brand identity? “Millennials like to buy products they think are helping people” say the Wall Street market watchers. I do believe we all want to help.
Many wonderful people do hard work for non-profits around the world, but it is discouraging when trusted sources become embroiled in scandal or at least have serious questions raised about their donations.
One of the most successful cause-marketers in the footwear category, with profits north of $300 Million, has been TOMS Shoes with their “one-for-one” model of giving a pair of shoes to a needy child for every pair sold.
A thoughtful expose done by Tiny Spark found that TOMS founder was essentially a reality show bro with evangelical tendencies who did drop shoes off to poor African villages whether footwear was needed or not. Bain Capital Private Equity bought 50% of TOMS in 2014, and the company continues to thrive and expand into eyewear using the same 1-4-1 steez. No data is available on the current state of worldwide barefootedness.
In a world full of pressing problems, most philanthropists pick a single issue to concentrate their forces around, so Conscious Step servicing multiple charities seems rather ambitious. With a positive outlook, I commend their idea and will observe how they evolve. Did I mention the socks look really nice?
NERVE STIMULATING SANDALS
HiDow Acuslippers
Hi-Dow (pronounced High Dow) makes a variety of products that employ the latest in TENS (Transcutaneous Electrical Nerve Stimulation) and EMS (Electrical Muscle Stimulation). These Hi-Dow Circulation Slippers are affixed with rechargeable lithium battery-powered sensors that can be controlled with a number of iPod/tablet-like devices offered by HiDow.
HiDow Circulation Slippers can be activated wirelessly by a TENS device
Green how? Using TENS devices to treat nerve-related pain instead of drugs is probably better for your mental environment. Consult your doctor before trying footwear equipped with electrical nerve stimulators.
VEGAN SHOES
If there’s something to be admired about those who identify as vegan, it’s the valiant effort to keep consistent across their lifestyle. Synthetic leather, or pleather- once thought of as a cheap sign of fakeness gets a rebirth as vegan-leather. I have no idea if there are any animal byproducts used in the glues on these shoes, or if there exists any internationally recognized vegan certification. The well-respected Moo-Shoes store uses the term “cruelty-free” to describe the products they sell. PETA tells aspiring vegans to look for shoes made from “faux leather, synthetic materials, waxed canvas, cotton, microfiber, polyurethane, cork, mock croc and fake snake” so I’d assume Wills Vegan Shoes use some combination of the above. They had vegan versions of many popular men and women’s styles all hovering around the hundred-dollar range.
What about your socks, belt and underwear- are those vegan too? If you take off your shoes at a vegan’s home for dinner and they see “vegan” on the inside, will you get an extra piece of seitan ?
A couple isles over, I did have a piece of “vegan” fudge that was quite good. In 2016, vegan shoes are a thing and Wills London is doing that thing. Popdiatry recommends never eating footwear, vegan or otherwise unless they are deep-fried in peanut oil.
CURE-ALL INSOLES
BestSole Inc. offers some unique polyester insoles that contain glycerin (not the explosive kind), and serve to be a peaks & valleys landscape for your feet that BestSole claims they’ll massage while walking.
Image: massaginginsoles.com
Do your feet, ankles, knees, hips or back ever hurt? Do you like massages? Ever feel fatigued? What about heel spurs, Morton’s Neuroma, Plantar Fasciitis, spinal problems, or diabetes?According to this evangelical Bestsole pamphlet- these massaging insoles can address all of that and more.
Their copy stops short of saying these things can cure cancer then hits you with generic quotes from “satisfied customers”. WB – a “camera man” from ESPN says “THEY ARE WONDERFUL”. JD’s son from the Navy claims “Boot camp marches were made easier with these”. Notice there are no endorsements from ESPN or the US Navy directly. A logo from the Pedorthic Footwear Association graces the front, but it is unclear what they have to do- if anything- with this particular product line.
Of course the friendly folks at the booth insisted I try them for a test walk. I was wearing my Finn Comfort Linz boots with leather/PU coated cork footbeds perfectly fitting with some cotton socks – no way am I sliding these in to walk in a 3 foot circle to try to judge whether they’ve cured my Morton’s-Plantar-Spur-Spinal-Bunion in 30 seconds. Since I wasn’t in immediate pain there was no need for these joints. If they’re powerful enough to cure many maladies, couldn’t they have unwanted side effects? (Other than disappearing $45 from your account)
So-called premium insoles are big business; This product is a neat idea, and I’m a made-in-USA product supporter, but spare me the late-night-TV snake-oily sales tactics. I’d ditch the creepy pamphlet and concentrate on comfort and durability.- maybe pay an athlete to endorse them. Please visit an actual doctor if you suffer from any of the conditions massaging insoles claim they can treat.
GREEN GREEN GREEN
Quinoa and hemp were plentiful here. I snacked on some jackfruit, gobbled some quorn (a fungus-derived protein), got a flyer for a documentary called “Cowspiracy”, learned about the plight of American wild horses; Sleepy Hollow Cemetery had a table there (their grass is green, and they offer good walking tours). LiveOnNY was there (organ donation).
Despite some of the stuff being questionably green, you have to understand that exhibitions like this need to fill all their spots to give their mission momentum. The zany mix of exhibitors was rather interesting in a carnival sort of way. The same expo will be visiting Los Angeles, San Francisco, and Portland before the year’s up so keep an eye out if you’re near those locales. There’s plenty to see for all ages, and I’d love to know what you think about what I thought about the Green Festival Expo.
Special thanks to Oscar The Grouch for inspiration
